Almost Fifty Nifty Things to do to Your Math Professor

1. Submit all homework in hexadecimal notation.

2. Raise your hand every minute on the minute and ask how the past minute's
material relates to Fibonacci numbers.
(Optional) Approach after class and inform him that you aren't
familiar with the f(x) notation.

3. Each time he turns around, insert a cigarette into a new orifice of your
face. At then end of class, light them.

4. Keep track of each time he says 'hence'; turn in the tally on a
short passage from the bible after every class. See if he gets it.

5. Drag your home PC to class, set it up for use during a class. When
questioned, tell him that you have a learning disability for which
treatment requires learning 'Interactively using Multimedia on the
Information Superhighway, also known as the Internet,' and smile.

6. If he ever says the word projectile, take immediate care of a
demonstration.

7. Kick forcefully any person within reach who laughs at his jokes. Laugh
harder.

8. When eye contact is made during class, stick your tongue out for a
fraction of a second.

9. Play an electronic keyboard until told to stop and ask 'You mean its not
an abacus?'

10. Any time the word 'Monoid' escapes his mouth, repeatedly say
'that's not funny' until he moves on.

11. If he/she is lecturing you on your lack of effort, ask him/her why a
member of the opposite sex isn't teaching the course.

12. Just at the moment you observe the students in the class dozing off,
raise your hand and ask when you're going to get to the female
reproductive system.

13. Take notes with two pencils simultaneously.

14. Build a shrine on your desk before class. Place a picture of his/her
spouse in the center of burning candles.

15. Anytime you are asked a question in class, answer 'It is an m-fold
convolution of itself.'

16. Instead of that, answer with 'This statement is false.' Whatever
happens 'This statement is false' till he short-circuits.

17. Act like you're cheating off of you're neighbor's notes during lecture.

18. After each proof, just say to the him "You know... you're right."

19. On the topic of any multidimensional math, give a dissertation on
something from your philosophy text. Use the words reality and
transcend as much as possible.

20. Whenever he asks if there are any questions, answer 'Many.'

21. Bring a remote control to class and put the prof on pause when
necessary.
(Optional) Bring a corded remote.

22. Tattoo the word GAUSS on your forehead.

23. Munch on your book every class until you finish it. Tell him your dog
ate your homework.

24. Memorize pi to 200 decimal places and write it out as such in your work.

25. In a calculus exam that states SHOW ALL WORK, prove the fundamental
theorem of calculus, algebra, and a few of your own before each
problem. Demand partial credit.

26. Instead of the proofs, interpret all problems as problems in Mechanics
showing everything as the integral of the force applied.

27. During your first exam, organize groups of pills on a piece of paper and
label the groups PROZAC, RITALIN, VIVARIN, THORAZINE, VALIUM, ???,
and lay them out on your desk popping one every few minutes.

28. Bring an oxygen tank to class and furiously grab and use it whenever he
says the word proof.

29. Ask a simple question in class; follow with 'Oh yeah tufguy...' and quiz
him on basic addition.

30. Wear a lampshade to class and light it up whenever you think you may
have understood something.

31. At the mere mention of chaos theory, jump up and run out of the room
screaming PROVE THIS YOU VICARIOUSLY LIVING BASTARDS!

32. Set up a booth before class and sell Vivarin to all the students. Give
the prof a freebee. Don't forget to smile.

33. Grow an anti-goatee by shaving the shape of a goatee out of your beard.
When asked a question, assume a pensive position, feel your
anti-goatee, stand up and scream EUREKA. Then rush out of the room
pausing only to leave small shavings of hair on his desk.

34. Give your pencil a blowjob during lecture.

35. Lick your desk clean before all in-class exams.

36. While at the board, make it a point to eat all the chalk except the
little stub which the prof will use for the remainder of class.

37. Assert that he is playing favorites with chalks of a certain color.
Make it an issue of race and incite a riot.

38. In a time of desperate need, ask him to define the generating function
for the minimum number of licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

39. Bring a frisbee to class, holding it up and visualizing it in every
position in space. Look up at the board periodically and back at
the frisbee nodding in approval.
(Optional) Here is a perfect example of where one could mix and match.
While nodding, light the lampshade from #30.

40. After a couple boardsfull of incomprehensible mathematical chicken
scratch, ask your prof if that's how Cogswell makes his cogs.

41. When you see the professor get overexcited at a realization that only
he seems to have made, subtly approach him, and offer him some lithium.

42. Go to his office hours, introduce yourself as one of his most admiring
students and ask him if he could take the time to watch a short
demonstration of the world's finest line of rubber squeegies.

43. At the conclusion of the demonstration, ask for references suggesting
each member of the math department. Shoot down any hesitation by
stating that they're fellow lovers of math, they'll understand.

44. While presenting an oral defense of your honors thesis, just break down
in tears telling them that you're just bad with numbers along with
any other relevant childhood memories.

45. During any inspiring recollections of his favorite mathematician, punch
him briskly in the solar plexus.

46. Talk about Jurassic Park. Use the word deep.

47. Memorize the proof of Fermat's last theorem one night before class.
During the next morning's class, smoke a bowl, stand up, and recite it.

48. Take a keypad, just a keypad, to class and punch away whenever he asks
for the use of a calculator.

49. Invite him to a halloween frat party and tell him the dress is formal.


More neat stuff [link|http://www.escape.ca/~dcc/phys/humor_ma.html|here].