LRPD "How very 1996"
Mornin' Pete, right on time. How's the coffee?
Norm is perhaps the ultimate pessimist. Any offered solution or idea instantly generates 1000 "can't" in his mind. It's an extraordinary level of creativity.
"Breathe Norm!"
"I can't - I don't trust the air, it might burst my lungs, pollution, etc."
"But Norm, you'll die if you don't breathe..."
"I know, but I can't. There might be poisonous gnomes hiding behind the furniture and I can't take that chance."
"But Norm, what difference does it make if you're poisoned by foul smelling gnomes vs. not breathing at all?"
"Well as long as I don't breathe, there's always a chance that I won't need oxygen."
"Norm, I checked behind the furniture and there are no gnomes. You can breathe now."
"Well, I'd better not, someone else with respiratory problems may burst through the front door and need all the oxygen they can get..."
"Norm, I locked the door on my way in..."
"Well, what if there is radioactive dust coming up from the basement?"
"Norm, I have a Geiger counter where my spleen used to be - and you're looking sort of cyanotic..."
"If I breathe, how do I know that I'll be able to take a full breath? I'd rather just get it over with, and besides, I'm not allowed to breathe before noon."
"Norm, it's 3 PM."
"But it's before noon in Hawaii!"
....
"NORM GODDAMN IT BREATHE!!"
"Well, maybe just once..."
"BREATHE!!!!"
"[gasp choke]"
"Now isnt' that better?"
"Well I suppose so, but what if..."