1) Receive a thorough training in sports broadcasting. You are going to be reducing incredibly complex issues of government, diplomacy, and economics into categories of "good and evil" or "us versus them." There is no more appropriate model for this view of the world than professional sports, particularly football. Also, it will increase the volume and hysterical quality of your voice, and enhance your bullying technique.

2) Embrace the bunker mentality. Even though your party controls all three branches of government, it is most important that you portray yourself as a heroic, besieged minority surrounded on all sides by marauding hordes of Marxists (Democrats), gays (Democrats), welfare cheats (Democrats), and wacky environmentalists (Democrats).

3) Stay on message. All hosts for the duration of the broadcast day will follow the talking points of a designated conservative think tank. Never forget that when you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth. (WMD's? Liberal media? Welfare moms?)

4) Issues, No; Character Assassination, Yes. Why get stuck in the boring details of deficit and unemployment figures when you can stage whisper rumors of infidelities of opposition candidates or mock decadent Hollywood celebrities. Spew bile! It's fun!

5) Rewrite the Past. Denigrate the accomplishments of honorable people (Jimmy Carter: limp-wristed liberal appeaser) as you resurrect the careers of calcified old spooks (Newt Gingrich: distinguished and virtuous public servant). Can you say: G. Gordon Liddy? ... Oliver North? ... Earl Butz?

6) Remember that there is absolutely no disaster or catastrophe that you cannot blame on the Clintons.

7) Perfect your balance of piety and viciousness. The self-righteous fervor that allows you to destroy people's lives and careers, or encourage your listeners to ridicule tolerance or to salt the earth to annihilate the opposition is what made you what you are today. Remember: You are a Neo-Conservative. There is not even the slightest chance that you could be wrong about anything.